Making It Work: Tips for Splitting Holidays Between Families

Whew, y’all, it’s that time of year again. The weather’s cooler (somewhere, just not here), and we’re officially in decoration season: Halloween rolls into Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then Mardi Gras (at least for me and mine). While the holidays bring joy, they also bring some stress: budgeting for gifts, figuring out dinner menus, and pulling together matching fits for the living room photo op. But for me, one of the biggest challenges is splitting time for the holidays.

Let me start by saying that even before I had in-laws, I’ve always had to split my time. Growing up in a blended family and navigating custody agreements, I realized recently that I’ve never spent a single holiday with all my parents under one roof—yep, all my parents (I’ll unpack this in therapy). And now, I’ve added in-laws to the mix. Thankfully, it’s just my husband’s married parents (listen, no judgment literally at all, I just cannot do another “side,” okay?).

But y’all, it’s still a lot. There are subtle differences, like how we were raised (I’m used to making multiple stops on the same day to visit everyone), and then there’s the not-so-subtle shade about who gets more time with our daughter and how the holidays are supposed to “even it out”.

So what’s the game plan? My baby is only two, so I’m still figuring it out—but here are some tips I’m working with:

1. Proactively Plan: If you read my blogs, you already know I’m a planner! After the New Year dust settles, we ask about everyone’s plans for the next year, but we don’t lock anything in right away. Keep things loose but intentional—it helps!

2. Prioritize the Elders: If there’s an elder (great-grandparent, anyone 70+), they’re the priority. This is non-negotiable for me. Black families usually respect this rule—our elders are treasures, and everyone wants their (great) (grand) kid to have those moments.

3. Host When You Can: If your family is big and spread out like mine, hosting is a game-changer. We hosted last Christmas, and I regret not doing it again this year. Hosting gives you control of the vibe and the kid(s). Plus, if someone wants to fly off to Kansas, that’s cool—we do Christmas where we’re at! A bonus for hosting at your house with littles is that they’re in the environment most comfortable to them (you HAVE to avoid the meltdowns when you can). Listen, when you have the baby, you have the power. Use it wisely. 

4. Rotate (with Intention): If hosting isn’t an option, rotate. But here’s the twist: prioritize those who don’t see the baby often. For example, my dad lives here, so when we rotate for Thanksgiving, he’s not first up because he “technically” sees Janelle all the time. But come Christmas? He and his partner are definitely included. (Note: if you’re going to another side, ask that side if the other grandparents can come. CAUTION: Know your family's dynamics, though. Sometimes it’s easier to just keep folks separate!)

For blended families like mine, we rotate Thanksgiving like this:

• Julienne’s mom’s family

• Ross' (husband's) family

• Julienne’s dad’s family

• Ross' family again

Instead of a back-to-back with my sides (because that’s equity girlie). 

5. Focus on Traditions: What traditions matter most to you? Are you the family from 'This Christmas' with Loretta Devine and Regina King? (Baby oil a** whippings optional.) Do you always put up the tree on a specific day, or take family pics at a certain time? If so, can you adapt those traditions to new locations? Maybe Black Friday shopping is in Atlanta this year instead of home. The point is to keep the spirit of the tradition, even if the setting changes.

6. Celebrate on a Different Date: CRAZY - Here’s my last suggestion - It’s not mine lol but I’ve heard it from a couple of sources so, it seems plausible. My colleague told me her family had Christmas last year (all the siblings/their kids/the grands) in November because that was the day that worked for everyone — and then some siblings had the “actual” holiday with their in-laws, but it was a way to all have the big family celebration with all of the grandkids 

7. Create Boundaries (When Necessary): If the back-and-forth is too much, go see the lady (your therapist)  because she’ll give you the tools to set boundaries. Parents and in-laws—especially moms (birth and inherited)—sometimes forget that we’re building our own families. The holidays are for us, too. You deserve peace and sanity during this time, so don’t be afraid to claim it.

No matter how you celebrate, who you celebrate with, or what your traditions look like, I hope you feel loved, supported, and at peace this holiday season. You’ve got this!